Why complicated

Being Here

2010-03-10T06:50:00.000-08:00

Everything is here
But I keep my eyes shut
You are the greatest gift that I ever receive
Yet I desire more
Smile could be enough
But I want joy of laughter
Happiness could jeopardize sadness
Yet I pretend that it's not
Being one of the person that care for him is the most honorable act
But I need to be more that that
You know about it
You feel it too
Yet you pretend
I want you to know it
I need you to understand
But I scare that I'll lose you
Can't you see?
I need you, being just here...

I am Me

2009-03-23T05:50:00.000-07:00

I realize that all I have to do is to smile

I realize that all I need is to let it go

I realize that all I have to think is about greatness

I realize that I am what I am

I don't need to follow no one in my life

I don't need to feel down when they look down on me

I don't have to feel bad about myself they way they feel to me

I know myself better than they are

They had no right to tell me that I can't

They can't do exactly what I want but I can

They didn't have to believe now but they will accept it in the future

They soon will recognize me

For I have made a Vow that only Death can break it apart

For I am Me!

Just a simple word that I can say

2008-12-27T07:04:00.000-08:00

Just a simple word that I can say I search the entire world So I can find the right word for You I tried too many things So I can prove to You my loyalty But after all that I have done I forget that No matter who I am No matter what I am No matter where I am You will always there to receive me Jesus How big was Your love Big enough till’ You gave your life Jesus I wanted to say this just for you The world that You used to teach mankind Jesus I love you for the rest of my life just a simple word that I can say

It feels great!

2008-12-01T06:17:00.001-08:00

I convince myself not to fall in love with someone again until I reach 23. That was a lie even though I know I really wish I won’t fall, but if God want me to feel it all over again then I will feel it. I’m really happy that I could feel it just one more time, at least I didn’t forgot how to miss someone, how to be called someone special girlfriend. Well guess it didn’t went far, no love stand forever than God love. I always keep that with me in this journey to be with Him, I know even if this whole world betray me, He will never leave me aside, let me suffer alone, or even let me cry alone. I know He will always stay by my side, I never doubt about it. Thinking about it made me such a happy person, and you want to know what, it feels great! It was fun to be love by a human being but to be love by Him and learn to love and understand Him, that’s feel great. I never feel this happy when I know to be able to understand everything that He intended to do was just beautiful and great. Just why do we still keep looking for somebody to love and wait for that love reply, the reply with thousands of doubt, millions of worries and billions of uncertainty? I also didn’t understand why I have this desire too, to find someone to be my companion, which I know I will apply these thousands of doubt, millions of worries and billions of uncertainty in him. I wish I know what love really are, and if I know about it then I will surely won’t hurt him and nobody will get hurt. Just to know that I’ve learn many thing from every situation that He want me to be, really have made me feel more alive and I just want to say it again, it really had made me feel great. This feeling is like a sad song in a wedding day, I am really sad that the guy that I like leave me but at the same time I had just one more loyal companion and I am 100% sure that he will never leave me. Can anyone realize about it at all? Keep the faith and love for Him growth within you as you growth to be someone that can spread the faith and love from Him to others. Once again, it really feels great!

Just for you

2008-12-01T06:17:00.000-08:00

I don’t know why I get so emotional when I hear that song (Kerinduanku-Franky Sihombing). That song really resemble everything what you have said to me every time we talk. It’s like we walk to understand batter what we really want and need. I really want to tell you how disappointed I am for you to say that it’s great to be in a complicated situation, I just wish that someone could know and hear how disappointed I am for that. I really wish that I could tell you but I just don’t have that courage to tell you, it’s because I don’t want you to feel the pain I am in, only God can tell how I was hurt and down that day, I just cannot think, I cannot feel anything, I’m numb. All I wanted to do is cry but I just can’t let it out because I know people will talk how stupid I am and how idiot I will be, I just don’t want it to be like you to blame because this came from me. I just can’t seem to talk about it anymore because it hurt me too much and I don’t want to talk about it no more. But I know, no matter how hard I try to keep it inside or I pretend like there is nothing to be sad of, it just keep bleeding. But don’t worry I’ll get over it and I hope soon, because I don’t want you to worry about me. I want you to know that I will always be here and I’ll be waiting for you.

Unlucky?

2008-11-30T04:58:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if I should consider myself to be the most unlucky person or not. All of this bad thing keep happening to me but sometimes it bring lots of changes in my life that I wish had happen long ago. I consider those rich kids are the luckiest kid to be born, but then I feel pity to them because their parents are not really their biological parents, means there are adopted. I don’t know why do I complain every little bad thing that happen, I don’t know why should I cry because of my boyfriend want to end our relationship with me, I don’t know why should I get jealous because my parents pay more attention to my little sister and brother more, I don’t know why should I trouble myself thinking about the past and start worrying what might happen to me tomorrow, I don’t understand why I can’t start thinking about how lucky I am to be alive just one more day, to give my thank to Lord Jesus Christ because He let me live one more day. Why should I think I am an unlucky person? God is with me every time and that should make me a lucky person, this minor unlucky things keeps on happening but still there always lucky thing that keep me moving on with a big smile on my face. How unlucky I am to be compare to those kids that live in the middle of war? I wonder if I can survive if I was in their shoes, to keep on moving without a family at such a your age, to feel those hunger and to be frighten until they can’t even shut their eyes off. I wonder if I can start thinking about good thing. I can’t understand why I never notice that I am lucky. There is nothing that I can take out to claim myself are unlucky, because I know that I am lucky. I am lucky because I still have my parents, I am lucky because I have a house to live, I am lucky because I have little brother and little sister, I am lucky because I have big brothers and big sisters that care about me, I am lucky because I had friends to count on to, I am lucky because I have God with me. I want this unlucky thought inside of me to be gone, I want to start to think about how lucky I am and I want all of the people to know that they are lucky too. I want them to start realize about it so they can stop thinking about how unlucky they are. So all the people out there start looking your surrounding and see who is the actually unlucky person are.

To be someone

2008-11-28T21:28:00.000-08:00

i'm sick and tired with my lifestyle

i wanted it to change

i wanted it to be new

i wanna stop thinking about all the bloody things

get out of this f*****’ bloody situation

i wanted it to stop being complicated

so i can see all things clearly

stop being that devil protective

i’m sick of it

i hate it too much

i just want to be someone that can make you see me

but i was just not enough for you

but i’m still going to be that girl

My Generation

2008-11-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

Listen,

I am really sick of all of this waiting,

hearing what people say.

Maybe I’m not crazy and you’re the one who’s wrong not me.

What are you going to do,

what are you going to say

when we’re standing on top and do everything in our way.

You’re say we’re got no future,

we’re living in the past,

so listen up,

that is my generation.

And i don’t need to say i’m sorry

i do what everybody want to do

it’s not so complicated

because i know you want the same thing too

it’s going down tonight

we’re gonna do it till’ we die

because i have no reason to apologize

and that’s my generation

Why complicated

2008-11-28T06:17:00.001-08:00

I wanted to understand why people cry, I wanted to understand why people sad, I wanted to understand why people die, I wanted to understand why people argue and fight, I wanted to understand why people suffer, I wanted to understand why people kill each other, I wanted to understand why people created war, I wanted to understand why people get hurt from unnecessary thing, I wanted to understand until I’ll get tired to understand all of it. Maybe when I get tired to understand it, then I can understand why the good thing will eventually happen. I was thinking too much about why the bad things keep happening and why the good things always came last. I was thinking if it ends like I wanted it to be, will it be a happy ending? I was confuse about this life circle that was created for me, I don’t understand the ways it goes, I don’t understand why I wanted to understand the things that was so complicated to understand. How complicated it will be if I don’t even try to understand? I am the one who created this complicated things, complicated situations, complicated relationships, complicated words, complicated arguments, complicated feelings, complicated stories, complicated ways of living, complicated personalities, just because I wanted to understand about complicated. I wanted to feel tired about it and I wish I will be tired to think about it someday, but I keep on creating it without noticing that I am creating a nightmare along with it. I just don’t seems to find a certain answer why I can’t stop trying to understand about it, I’m crying blood out of this bloody mess that I created. I just trying to live with it and solve it at the same time, sometimes I do get tired but I don’t know when will it end, this complicated things. I’m trying not to break down to this, I was acting fools for the fool things that had begin hunting me, in reality and uncertainty of my own conscious. It keeps on growing every seconds, every minutes, every hours, every days, every weeks, every months, every years, perhaps the time is near for me to stop understands the complicated and move on to other maybe more important to me in this life. But being in a complicated world will never end just like that, because people won’t stop making it complicated.